Nursing Humououour

By:Kelly Bybee Savage

(shamelessly stolen from a nursing fb page by yours truly)

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a coward in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

And just when you thought...

...it couldn't get anymore ridiculous.  Ladies and Gentlemen:

The solar eclipse on Monday is RACIST

H/T David Thompson

Run For The Hills!

What the HELL happened to Jon Bon Jovi? Yikes!!!

H/T: IOTW

Crazy Train and the GOPe

I guess we'll just have to wait and see who the Big Guys select for us. Voting is SO yesterday's politics....

Chip Anyone?

Did Someone Leave Their Call LIght On?

Welcome to the TCKT infirmary, where everyone has their own personal bed!

Some of us may need IV therapy...it's a good thing we're well stocked!

And how about a luxury hospital bed that we can all fit in? The cranky old farts will probably hog the bed, and of course the brilliant young ladies will steal the blankets! 

And I think some therapy dogs would be really nice and cuddly...

And some therapy goats!

Er...on second thought, maybe not...we could play chess though, to pass the time.

I hope everyone gets well soon. It's been a tough year or so for our TCKT family, but faith and friendship will see us through.

War On Wymin

Let's end the suffrage, NOW!

The pipes, the pipes are calling...

Mark Steyn, no additional commentary needed.

Some light relief for the shut-down blues

I've been watching your government shut-down, not to say melt-down, from afar with growing dismay. I have no wise words or advice to give you, and my words of comfort won't be of much help to you.  In Israel, when things get bad, we tell each other "We got through Pharaoh, we'll get through this". It kind of puts stuff into proportion.

Nevertheless I thought some words of comic wisdom might bring some light relief.  So here you are, my latest steal from facebook:

And some other google gleanings from the ineffable Maxine (and others). :-)

And to conclude, the fervent wish of all of us:

Stuff You Couldn't Make Up...

This is entirely the weirdest written article about the weirdest looney toon.  The fact that the subject of the article is BO's half sister makes it even weirder.  So, pull up a chair, pour yourself a magic goblet of moondew and laugh, snicker, despair.

Her innate tendency toward peacefulness, she said, had been sown and sewn into her own soul through the agency of her extraordinary mother’s uncommonly colour-blind and progressive world view. Through Stanley Ann Dunham, the white mid-American seeker and social anthropologist who married first an African and then an Indonesian man, she said, “I was granted comity, I was granted tolerance, I was granted artistry, I was granted sweetness.”

And I am granted an overwhelming desire to puke.

Skool Daze

For the life of me I can't fathom why we even bother having schools anymore. Pink Floyd were obviously more prescient than originally given credit for.

Heaven Help Baby Bodhi

Read it and weep.

Or laugh.

Or both.

Monty Python Is In The House

STOCKHOLM (FRIA TIDER). Owners of cars destroyed in the riots fined for parking illegally while police adopt non-intervention policy.

Since last Sunday, May 19, rioters have taken to the streets of Stockholm’s suburbs every night, torching cars, schools, stores, office buildings and residential complexes. Yesterday, a police station in Rågsved, a suburb four kilometers south of Stockholm, was attacked and set on fire.  But while the Stockholm riots keep spreading and intensifying, Swedish police have adopted a tactic of non-interference. ”Our ambition is really to do as little as possible,” Stockholm Chief of Police Mats Löfving explained to the Swedish newspaper Expressen on Tuesday.”We go to the crime scenes, but when we get there we stand and wait,” elaborated Lars Byström, the media relations officer of the Stockholm Police Department. ”If we see a burning car, we let it burn if there is no risk of the fire spreading to other cars or buildings nearby. By doing so we minimize the risk of having rocks thrown at us.”

Swedish parking laws, however, continue to be rigidly enforced despite the increasingly chaotic situation. Early Wednesday, while documenting the destruction after a night of rioting in the Stockholm suburb of Alby, a reporter from Fria Tider observed a parking enforcement officer writing a ticket for a burnt-out Ford. When questioned, the officer explained that the ticket was issued because the vehicle lacked a tag showing its time of arrival. The fact that the vehicle had been effectively destroyed – its windshield smashed and the interior heavily damaged by fire – was irrelevant according to the meter maid, who asked Fria Tider’s photographer to destroy the photos he had taken. Her employer, the parking company P-service, refused to comment when Fria Tider contacted them on Wednesday afternoon.

HT Protein Wisdom

Sunday Silliness...

...because we need a break from more serious matters. For your listening pleasure, I have searched the internetz far and wide, unearthing two lost and hitherto mostly unknown musical gems. These videos must be seen-and-heard to fully appreciate the genius of musical composition, the fine timbre of voice, and the incredibly profound lyrics.

Here we go!


 

I can hear you Trekkies screaming for more! I aim to please...

Canadian's Version of David Letterman's Top 10

My Brother emailed this to me. I though it might add some levity.

This is what other countries think of us; in this case Canada. TOP-10 "Only In America "
Observations:

 10) Only in America...could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

 9) Only in America...could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black while only 12% of the population is black.

8) Only in America...could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

 7) Only in America...can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

 6) Only in America...would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens.

 5) Only in America...could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

4) Only in America...could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

 3) Only in America...could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company ( Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

 2) Only in America...could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.

 1) Only in America...could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

Bureaucracy Run Amok

Ha ha, from my FB page. This letter (real or not) explains many of the reasons I haven't renewed my UK passport for a couple of years.

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book. It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card. My driving licence. My car insurance. On the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years. All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed
off!

Signed An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor .. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

Technical Note

Good morning everyone! The bad news? Recent comments are not updating, because SOMEONE {looking around the Table and scowling} had an oopsie this morning while playing with widgets. I won't say who...but her initials are LR. Oops! 

The good news? I've added recent posts to the sidebar.  It's a great idea! Thanks annie!

Your patience is appreciated while we tinker with TCKT.  Well, I tinker, and Vikram fixes my tinkering.

Hello? Lewy? It's so strange...I was just WALKING BY our blog, when suddenly, out of nowhere....

Woman Claims Neighbor’s Energy Efficient Windows Are Melting Her Toyota Prius

Comedy that writes itself. Really. You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.

The 'Stache Endorses Mittens!

Well, heavens to murgatroyd. I didn't see this coming at all, at least not in mid-January when the campaign cycle is in it's early days.

John Bolton, the hawkish former ambassador to the United Nations under George W. Bush, endorsed Mitt Romney Wednesday night. “I think Gov. Romney is the person who can best lead the party, best articulate our conservative principles and is most likely to beat Barack Obama,” Bolton told Greta Van Susteren on Fox News.

Maybe it's for the best. If Romney is to be our candidate, then we ALL need to get behind the guy. I know there is much concern that Tea Party types like me won't support another stinky candidate, but let me assure the R establishment that I would support a week-old grilled cheese sandwich if it would depose the Obama regime. I think a majority of the Ron Paul(!) supporters will too. They'd better, or we're screwed.

A "sprinkle of levity" bonus round! A piping hot cuppa Tetley's to the first person to name the Hanna-Barbera cartoon character who uttered the phrase "heavens to murgatroyd", and the two cartoons in which he appeared.

News From Utopia

If government funded "safe" injections sites and "free" crack pipes don't address every addicts every need how about a "lounge" serving free alchohol to alchoholics?

I kid you, not.

“It would be members only because once word gets out it is free alcohol, everyone that just wants a free drink would show up,” he said.

Genius!