Thursday, June 26, 2014

Love Letter to Sallie M.

Sir or Madam:

SLM Corporation (“Sallie Mae”) is creditor to a student loan debt in which I am the debtor.  From the period November 2013 to May 2014, Sallie Mae made numerous attempts to collect debts owed by me in clear violation of both Federal and state debt collections statutues. These numerous, and quite humorous at times, violations were very closely marked  and recorded by my wife and me.  After the tenth or so conversation with Salle Mae personnel who were clearly not trained or even aware of their responisibilities under such laws, we began a family policy of declining any further such phone calls.

Today, in attempting to check my student loan account online through Sallie Mae’s website, I was repeatedly denied access, despite clear records in my possession of both my user name and password. I was then informed via a message that my online account had been disabled and to dial a certain phone number for assistance.

Upon dialing that phone number, I was presented with a de-humanizing and insulting machine technology that requires me to speak into the phone like a performing animal.  After doing so, including stating my Social Security Number more than three times and stating my date of birth twice, I was transferred to a “customer service representative.” Said employee, as is Sallie Mae’s usual caliber of hired help, was dumber than a box of hair and quite unable to speak standard English.  (And not, mind you, because English is his second langauge.)

Naturally, your employee needed desperately to know my Social Security Number and my date of birth.  I fought off the urge to ask why this was necessary again, having been forced to shout it to a machine minutes earlier, and simply gave him the information.  After a harrowing pause during which I would swear I heard the rusting wheels in his head turn—slowly, quite slowly—he then promptly informed me that I had called the wrong number and needed to call “technical support.” I declined to do so for reasons which should be blindingly obvious.

One would think these numerous obstacles were in place to prevent honest people from keeping their account up-to-date in order to allow Sallie Mae to extract late fees and other damages, but that would be going too far.  After all, according to your SEC filings, you’ve only set aside $70 million this year to pay for your illegal activities. How bad could your practices be?

I am going to assume this letter is being read by someone, anyone, not dumber than a box of hair and do you the honor of speaking clearly, forthrightly and honestly with you.  As follows:

I am done playing your games.

My phone number here at U.S. Embassy Lima, where I work, is +51-1618-XXXX, where I may be reached at anytime during normal business hours; we are in Central Standard Time.  Alternatively, you may reach me at my email address:  Or, you can write me an old fashioned letter like this one; the mailing address is above.

I demand that a person with the ability to process thought at a reasonable level call or email me so that we can: 1) update my mailing address; 2) discern the amount of any past due amounts due; and 3) make arrangements for those payments and those on-going until we blissfully part ways.

If this does not happen within 45 days of the date of this letter, I will file a complaint alleging every Federal and state cause of action I can think of, which is actually quite a lot.  You will then have to hop through my hoops, which I will deeply and profoundly enjoy. I may even eat into that $70 million charge. You never know.

But, I have to tell you, even when in control of the procedure, I won’t make you shout “yes” or “no” to a machine which doesn’t even record one’s answer in exchange for the humiliation.  Everything else, however, is fair game.


  1. Don't worry Jourdan. Either Barry O. will forgive your debts, or Hillary Carpetbagger will forgive them after the next election.

    I suspect that even tea partiers would vote to have their damnable, back-breaking student loans erased. Hillary (or whoever) would be a shoo-in.

    Unless...the Repub candidate ALSO promised to flush all this debt. That would be evil, of course. And brilliant. Utterly brilliant.

    Giving money back to the producers would certainly stimulate the economy. Housing sales would boom, new cars would fly off the lot, and stores would post record profits. And another bit of America's soul would be owned by the devil. Or the Chinese. Or both.

    1. I love your letter. I abhor Sallie Mae. Go get 'em!

    2. Only one problem with forgiving the student debt.

      It would make fools of everyone who paid theirs.

    3. Yes it would lewy. Also, the taxpayers who chose not to go to college and incur this massive debt will be looking for torches and pitchforks.

      Then, the race baiters will jump in the fray and demand that college be paid for by the gov't for black people and for brown people....and then, the ADA cheerleaders will demand college for every American with a disability, including low IQ. And on and on and on.

      Like I said. Selling America's soul.

    4. Also, forgiving student loans would be akin to bailing out home mortgages. Those who were prudent and sensible when buying their home saw their tax monies distributed to mortgage companies holding underwater notes,while the mortgagees will be dancing all the way to the bank when the market recovers. There were MANY people incensed at that little ploy, but anger didn't stop the powers-with-the-pursestrings. Anger won't stop them from forgiving student loans either, whether for votes or because our economists want to fiddle with the money to prevent a "crash".

  2. Perhaps we can agree as a first step that if we are going to insist that debtors play by the rules, then the government must ensure that the creditor agencies do so as well? And, perhaps, not allow them to set aside $70 million to pay for illegal and abusive practices as a mere administrative matter?

    I'm all for playing by the rules, so long as they are evenly enforced.

    However, in the wake of the Wall Street Bailout, it is very clear that there are no rules and that the elites will plunder the Treasury at will to make losses public while using every measure at hand, including abusive collection practices, to ensure profits remain private.

    As I said at the time, this is not going to work. And now the toothpaste is out of the tube. I think most people now realize that people who play by the rules are fooling themselves.

    If the USG is a plaything that can be used to enrich one's tribe, why should ordinary, middle-class Americans not join the fun? After all, they are expected to pay for the rest, including powerful Wall Street mega-banks like Goldman Sachs, an organization that is CLEARLY nothing more than yet another boring Transnational Organized Crime Organization (though with better suits, one must admit).

    This is the world the elite wanted. They now have it.

    When you add to this their war on middle-class Americans in the form or massive legal and illegal immigration, the writing is on the wall. The rules are out the window and it's kill or be killed.

    Prediction: Right now, the old divisions between the Jeffersonians and the Jacksonians prevent any opposition; however, the hubris of their joint, Wilsonian/Hamiltonian enemies will eventually drive them together. At that point, the game is up. I suspect in 20 years we won't even think of the economy as something that is international anymore, as whatever new powers that be radically re-write the rules.

    1. Given the global patterns of energy consumption and production, the economy will be international or it will not exist.

      I get the case for radical nationalism and self sufficiency. I also get that it will kill several billion globally. Several billion who likely will not go so quietly.