Thursday, December 8, 2011

Christmas Funny

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas? "Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.

11 comments:

  1. Thanks Fay! Just sent to my (Jewish) college room mate - I'm betting he digs it.

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  2. I'm sending it right off to my sister...

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  3. LOL! Very funny! You guys want Jewish jokes? Have I got some jokes for you! (and I hope nobody gets offended. Feel free to delete if you feel they are offensive).

    A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. They had their doubts about putting their Jewish son in a private Catholic school, but thought his education came first.

    After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

    For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

    This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

    Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

    "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

    "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

    "No."

    "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

    "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!"

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  4. And where would we be without the classic Jewish mother jokes?

    MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"

    CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
    "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written!"

    MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?"

    NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

    GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

    THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

    PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your curfew!"

    And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:

    ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
    "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something about your hair?"

    MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
    "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

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  5. No offence here, Annie. Just a worn spot in the carpet from rolling on the floor laughing, that's all.

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  6. Annie and Fay, I'm in stitches!

    =))

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  7. Annie and Fay, those were all just great, and i loved telling my sister in 'Jewish mother' dialect (oy).

    Off-topic, but CONGRATULATIONS Lady Red on passing your exams!!

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  8. Thanks DWT! I have 3 done and 2 to go. I'm already looking forward to next semester (and glad that this one is nearly over). Matt is kicking boo-tay on his exams too! :)

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  9. annie, those are priceless!!! I particularly enjoyed the "Jewish Mothers" proclamations :-)

    And kudos to our dear lady red. I knew she'd ace it...

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  10. Well, this is where the brilliant young ladies gather.

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